Procrastinating. That’s what I’ve been doing all day. I’ve discovered that I can’t get a single thing done – regardless of how much I have to do – unless I have a clear focus and goal for the day. So now I feel guilty for jumping about everywhere online – some relevant, a lot irrelevant.

I did manage to clean the shower this morning though. That may be the problem – I work a lot better if I just go straight into working rather than doing something else first. But if I didn’t get up and go to the gym, I’d probably never go. Just getting used to a new routine, I guess.

I feel guilty a lot though. When I finished work, I intended to get into my new business straight away but I’m starting feel that all I want is a nice break. The break I should’ve had when I finished my PhD. I’m just not sure if other people understand that. I’m scared I look lazy. I’m scared of being lazy!

I don’t like not being busy. But I’m also very good at being busy at doing nothing much at all. I’m hoping I can spend the rest of the year slowly building up towards a goal and starting afresh next year. My interest at the moment is setting up minor passive income streams to supplement the cash. I worry I’m just putting off the hard stuff when I should tackle it now but the idea of launching headlong into intense work again scares me.

Since finishing work and overcoming Dad’s passing (4 weeks Wednesday – 4 weeks!) I’ve found my outlook changed. I have more time to slow down and think and take things into consideration I would’ve overlooked before. I care more about the time I spend with others, rather than feeling its rushed. I’m enjoying my cooking again, getting back into house maintenance (so much painting to be done) and working in the garden. Of course, the weather has had a lot to do with that too! I care more about how I look and feel instead of ‘this will have to do’. I didn’t have time to care. But now I feel… better. Like work was an illness I had to overcome. I don’t feel lonely during my days at home because I know I can pick up the phone anytime and talk to someone or meet them for lunch. And the loneliness was my biggest fear. I even feel more confident. Not confident enough to pick up the phone and sell my freelance writing site or business but it’s a start.

So, that’s enough procrastinating for this hour. Better do five minutes of work before more internet shopping. *sigh*

I’m home again. At 2.30 the morning after my last post, my Mum called to tell me Dad had passed away. It was unexpected. He’d had a major operation four weeks earlier but was recovering and doing well. The cause was a massive heart attack due to internal bleeding. It was so… shocking.

So I have been at Mum’s place for the past two weeks to plan and attend the funeral. And to be there for her. It’s been a difficult time, especially as one family member was more interested in money and paperwork for my ill Grandmother, which Dad was looking after. Most people have been wonderfully supportive though and Mr W&C has been a star. I don’t know what we would’ve done without him. I am so pleased with the change in his attitude to our relationship compared to earlier in the year.

I came home yesterday and I’m ready to start building a post-work, post-Dad life. Dad was going to help me with starting my own business and he was so keen. We were waiting until he got better though. I believe he will still be around though, guiding me. The event confirmed to me that I did make the right decision leaving work. If I hadn’t, I never would’ve spent his final week with him and Mum. I’m now determined to make a good shot at working for myself. I just have to get back into a routine. And detox from the last few weeks – there’s been a large consumption of ice cream, biscuits and wine and no gym. The house is also in desperate need of some cleaning, the garden is rampant and there is nothing in the fridge.

It’s funny how the things which can bore you and you hate doing can become so comforting in the times when it feels like everything is out of control.

It’s rainy outside and what better way to spend such a day than tweet the Independents announcement on the election, make a batch of savoury muffins, then get into a nice hot bath. Ahhh. The website is up and running although it didn’t have quite the launch I would’ve liked it to due to… let’s call it ‘outside influences’ or ‘personal issues’. Two family members are not well and we had some bad news yesterday. My mind wasn’t really focussed on launching my business site.

So I’ll need to rethink my strategy for gaining attention and hopefully some work. It’s been difficult to concentrate today or focus on a task. Probably due to the above but also because now that I don’t have work structuring my time, I need to do it. Although I’m more than capable of doing that, it’s not something I’d considered at length previously. I thought I’d be fine with old PhD-writing processes of ‘yeah, I’ll get X done today but if I don’t it doesn’t matter’. I’d prefer to be a little more goal-orientated. I need to remind myself that I’ve come a long way since I first had the idea to do this and building knowledge – and site content – takes time. And focus.

I’ll go into work with Mr W&C tomorrow to visit the gym and work in a cafe so we can go to lunch later. I’m hoping this will inspire me to work as I won’t have much else to do. Hopefully I don’t run into Her Ladyship – as we now refer to his ‘manager’. I recently saw a friend of hers who is a) strange; b) keen on Mr W&C; and c) talkative to say the least. We’ll call her Jill. I was with Mr W&C at the time and whilst she said hello to him, she simply glared at me. I didn’t think about it until recently when I realised Her Ladyship must’ve said something charming about me to Jill. Although having possibly one of the most annoying people in the workplace who I rarely see not speaking to me hardly made me cry into my Weeties.

Also, these are grown women. Her Ladyship – basically – invited us to her her home then stabbed Mr W&C in the back. This is not ok with me and I want nothing to do with her. She has since revealed herself as someone I would label ‘toxic’. You’d think that’d be the end of story. I’ve discussed what happened with other people, but I don’t go around gossiping. I don’t exactly endorse her actions either but I have better things to do with my time than discuss someone I don’t want to know. Also, if Jill doesn’t want to speak to me, I’m down with that but…why? I have issue with something Her Ladyship did. And now her friend wants to ignore me? Um, ok. This is all getting terribly teen drama. Her Ladyship even snubbed Mr W&C at a function because she found out I was leaving the workplace and he didn’t tell her. Why did he need to and what’s it to her?

It makes me sad because there’s a good person in there that’s been corrupted by a need for power and recognition. She can be really lovely but would just as soon push you out the way if she saw the opportunity to climb up the corporate ladder. Not only do I have moral issues with her behaviour but it also clashes with my own beliefs in how I want to live my life. Constantly checking your work email on holidays? Becoming so consumed by work that you end up with a blinding migraine? Gossiping in a coffee shop and calling it networking? No thanks. I’d rather be honest, happy and healthy.

I left my job yesterday.

Today is the first day in my ‘new’ job as a freelance writer. I woke up this morning – at the usual ungodly hour of 4.30 – and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was so excited.

Despite the tears and sadness yesterday, I knew I’d made the right decision. The sadness I felt was because I was leaving a good workplace and colleagues. Sure, some drove me absolutely mad on some days but none were awful or difficult to work with. There were a lot of benefits to working there and I left just before a pay rise was implemented or I could receive my loading. I no longer have the security of automatically paid super or paid sick leave or a regular income. It was difficult to make a decision to walk away from that.

However, you have to follow what it is you want to do and I’ve always wanted to write. The decision came a couple of months ago as I walked around the gardens at work and asked myself. If I never did administration again, would I be happy? Yes. If I never wrote again, would I be happy? No. There was my answer. I returned to my desk and started planning.

My mentor had me do an exercise on imagining your ‘perfect work day’. When I first started out, I wrote about a job where I’d be safe and secure in having a regular income. But it didn’t feel right. In fact, I started to feel like I had the past few years – trapped and confused about what I wanted from my life. So then I was honest with myself. What was my perfect work day? I worked from home, but had contacts so I didn’t turn into a social hermit. I wrote for a living – both to make money and for enjoyment (hopefully both – if I was able to write what I wanted to and get paid for it… well, something like that is probably everyone’s dream!). I had the opportunity to pursue and develop my interests and skills – web design, photography, mosaic work, reading and learning. I wanted to run my own business and use all the skills I used at work and enjoyed – a little bit of accounts, a little bit of HR. I felt excited just thinking about it all!

Lastly, I thought about Mr W&C’s manager who caused us so much grief at the beginning of the year. I feel sad that it’s a relationship I no longer have but relieved that if that’s who she really is, I was able to get away before her toxicity infected me. And I felt sad for her. I felt sad that despite her body frequently telling her to stop, she was driven and focused to ‘get what she wants’ to the point that it made other people miserable. And surely, that doesn’t make you happy. As someone else – who had been through a major and tragic event this year – sad to me ‘ what a waste of a life’. And perhaps that’s what drives me most – the fear of never trying, of trapping myself and looking back on my life and regretting how I spent my time. Because who gets to their deathbed and thinks ‘I’m so proud. I made people miserable so I could have a more senior job’

Unlike most jobs I’ve gone to, I’ve usually been relieved about what I’ve left but not really looking forward to what I was going to. This feels completely different and that’s how I know I’ve made the right decision. I left my job so I can move forward, not so I could leave the job. So, expect excitement, joy, angst and probably ranting. Let the freelance writing adventure begin!

This morning I woke up with a feeling of excitement. I don’t know how. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular. But it was there and I knew why. Only three days left of work. I didn’t think I was really ‘excited’ about it. I was telling people I was and I was looking forward to it but I haven’t felt any physical reaction until today. Ironically, it makes work so much easier to handle and I start to wonder why I wanted to leave! Then I remember, the lack of work, the dullness of the work I did have, working in the human equivalent of stock yards, the lack of privacy, the lack of an in-depth conversation and lack of fresh air or a view of anything other than a calendar. Just the general feeling of wanting to set myself on fire every time I heard a long, rambling, nonsense conversation about nothing, with no content or have someone act with genuine enthusiastic surprise and delight that we’re heading to the toilets at the same time (usually so I can have some peace and quiet for two minutes).

I feel like I’ve been in a grey fog the last two years, stumbling through, trying to find where I’m meant to be. I don’t know if I’ve found it but feel I’m on the right track. I mentioned to my mentor today about the feeling when I woke up. She confirmed what I was thinking: I’ve made the right decision. I don’t think I could’ve survived much longer with the mental and creative suppression of a job that simply didn’t hold my interest. I wish Mr W&C would put aside his own feelings for a while and celebrate with me though. Won’t be holding my breath on that one.

I’m hoping that pays off and that being happier with myself will force me to get out and not turn into a hermit. That’s my one big fear. I know what I’m like and I hide away too much sometimes and it’s easier just to stay home, rather than make an effort to get out. That’s part of the challenge though. And every job has challenges or parts we don’t like or aren’t brilliant at but we learn. This is the first time that I’ve been excited about what I am going to, rather than what I’m leaving. That’s the biggest indication I was on the right track. That and the butterflies.

I’ve been neglecting this blog and it’s been completely unintentional. The past 6 months has involved a lot of thinking, crying, arguing, negotiating and struggling. It sounds bad. It’s not. I have come out the other side with more clarity about who I am, what I want and how I can go about getting it. I’ve pinpointed the parts of my life that were making me unhappy (which, until recently, I didn’t even realise) and decided how to go about fixing them. Now I am on a completely different path to the one I was and it’s all at once scary, exciting and exhilarating.  It makes me smile, just thinking about it.

I’d like to write more frequently in this blog, even if no one reads it. Lying in bed this morning, I remembered how I used to punch out a LJ post a day, or at least a few per week (sometimes I had to remind myself that it wasn’t necessary to post everyday). My posting schedule was on top of writing a thesis and holding down a part time job. Regardless of how tired I was or what else I had to do, I always had time for LJ, writing and commenting on friends journals. Somehow in the last two years, something that previously brought me a lot of joy has been lost. I’m always too tired or too busy.

Granted, I have found working a full time job to be exhausting. I thought this was natural. It’s not. I hated work and I was lying to myself if I thought my goals were to climb the corporate ladder. I hate that shit. It wasn’t only my job, but the work, the environment, the institution and, at times, my colleagues. All of these factors added up to make me physically and mentally drained at the end of the day. Plus, there was moving in with someone else. I thought the only difficulties we would face would be who’d do the dishes and how often the bin would need taking out. You know, 80s sitcom problems. Turns out there’s more to it than that. Who would’ve thought?

So home life has been exhausting as well and somewhere along the line I stopped being me. I buried my desire to be online, to write and read and discover. At the end of my studies, I was ready for some ‘separate time’ away from a busy writing schedule. I think I could’ve used this time more effectively and sensibly, in a way that provided structure and nurturing of a tired mind, rather than completely rearranging my life. Somehow, I managed to be thrown into the path of good people who have set me on the right track, including a gentle reminder that what I was good at was writing. And the writing has been calling me back for awhile. I’ve only just started to listen.

One of my biggest flaws is to make a decision and throw myself into it, forging ahead until I realise there are many options along the way to consider. I’ve started my new website and I’m attempting to reconcile blog and services. But it’s not clicking and I’m starting to panic as to why not, rather than waiting for the ideas to come and grow organically. Despite the fact that decisions I have made in the past 3 months have all come naturally, in their own time! Sometimes I’m not sure if I can explain the concept of the new site to myself. Sometimes I think I’m trying to do too much. I’m having difficulty writing blog posts for the site. I don’t know why because when I sit down and concentrate, I can write clearly, fluently and concisely about a topic. But I don’t have that burn I used to. Those previous times of ignoring all else and coming home to write on my LJ.

I may be out of practice. It could be any number of issues but because I don’t feel that passion, I am starting to worry. Really what I need is to just calm down and let things evolve as they should and stop trying to ‘fix’ things I perceive as a problem, simply because they’re not part of the plan. They could just as well be an opportunity or development, rather than a problem. Sometimes I worry I quit my job prematurely because I perceived it as a block to concentrating on my writing. Really, the problem was me and my mindset and what I was making time for. Instead of adjusting my new life as a partner and full time worker to who I am, I compromised myself and pushed aside all the little pieces which make up me so I could concentrate on my new life. Still, that’s not enough to make me go crawling back for my job

I suspect I’m still not comfortable or confident enough to use my writing ability to post authoritatively on… well, anything. So I revert back to personal posts and stories. I want to be more versatile in my writing and I believe I can write well journalistically. It may not light a fire under me but it will make me some money now that I’ve quit my job. Perhaps I’m still finding my voice and style and what I need to do is to maintain who I am, rather than trying to ‘fix’ myself to write in a way I think I should. Maybe, the best strategy I could have is to learn from the past and remember to be me and stop compromising myself.

The past week has been… crazy? Unexpected? Emotionally draining? Like nothing I’ve experienced before?

It started with a visit to a counsellor. Originally I made the appointment so I could work out some of the anger I felt about Mr W&C’s situation. Suddenly, other issues started to emerge, which explained why I was excessively emotional about something that hadn’t even happened to me. A couple of days later, I spoke to a work colleague (a person I trust and respect), only to explain to her Mr W&C’s situation and it all came out. Mr W&C is going through a hard time and I’m there to support him but I can see I have some issues of my own to resolve.

Suffice to say, there are going to be some changes in my world. I’ve lost my direction somewhere along the way and it seemed easier to worry about others problems than deal with my own. I need a little bit more ‘me’ in my life and it can’t all be about running a household or looking after someone who is quite capable of looking after themselves.

When my colleague asked me a few simple questions about what I wanted in life, all my answers seemed to be ‘I don’t know’. However, just giving myself time to think about it allowed the answers to flow rather quickly in the next few days. I even made a few decisions and changes and although it happened quickly, they didn’t feel rushed or wrong. I’d waited long enough and I was ready to finally make a move. Within a couple of days I finally made the commitment and joined the gym (I even have a gym buddy for this week!), sent in a volunteer application, started a new blog (hopefully up and running soon) and spoke to my manager about a secondment opportunity. It’s the blog I’m particularly excited about. It’s a small step towards a hobby and possibly a career in what I’ve always wanted to do – freelance writing.

It’s strange – I had a sense 2010 was going to be a big year. I was slightly worried because I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad (I think I’d decided it was bad). When I made the resolution that this year was going to be about staying healthy and keeping stress to a minimum, I wasn’t aware it was going to require a complete rethink of all aspects of my life. Even Mr W&C, who I thought would be dubious about my sudden change in attitude, has been supportive and interested. And now I’m up at 5am because I have too much energy to stay in bed. Urgh. That’s way too enthusiastic.

And Get This fans rejoice everywhere. I have to sizzle this video. Normal transmission will resume shortly.

Study looks like a war zone. It was almost tidy, then we bought the new laptop and other equipment, which always comes with an unbelievable amount of paper stuffed into boxes. Somehow mess seems to breed overnight. Ironically, half the mess seems to be my home magazines, which promote how to keep an uncluttered house. There’s always something more exciting or important to be done though, like cleaning the toilet or writing polite letters telling someone to sod off.

Speaking of such, we sent a reply letter to Mr W&C’s manager regarding her sudden decision that everything that was wrong with the workplace was due to Mr W&C. She had requested that he come into work (whilst on leave) and discuss his position. The letter politely says no, he won’t be doing that, particularly as the situation has been stressful enough (had to bite my tongue to stop from pointing out that if she wanted him to have meetings with her then she shouldn’t have insisted he take leave). She’s also said she’ll be working with others to determine how the workplace will run, insinuating that Mr W&C won’t be involved in the process. The letter also politely says that yes he will and she’ll keep him informed. Not sure how she’s going to take to being told no. Probably only slightly better than when she finds out Mr W&C is discussing it with the union and they’ll be attending any meeting which negotiates pay and position.

I continue to be astounded by her ignorance of policy and procedure and her insensitivity in handling the matter. Her approach was completely unprofessional and unnecessary but I think it says a lot about her own insecurity. I could probably write a long post about the situation and our history with this person. Mr W&C has spent the past three years helping and supporting her. However, dwelling on someone else’s shortcomings is not productive. Thankfully, my manager is brilliant and I discussed the issue with her when I returned to work. She’s helped to point me in a more positive direction. I’ve made an appointment for counselling and just making the appointment has helped the anger subside. Whilst I am angry by this person’s behaviour, I also need help to support Mr W&C. I hope by moving forward that I can help Mr W&C do the same.

Yesterday, we ate lunch at The Boat in Mindarie. On the way in, a poster caught my eye. It asked people to ‘respect the flag’ and anyone caught wearing the flag as a cape, would not be permitted entry to the pub on Australia Day. Ok, fair enough. The sentiment seems to back the recent movement of ‘The Flag Belongs On A Flagpole, not a Bogan’.

But hang on, wasn’t it just four years ago that the organisers of the Sydney Big Day Out requested that people did not bring the flag to the event as the previous year it had been used by people to harass others into proving their Australianness (whatever that is)? And weren’t the organisers completely derided in the media, and by politicians hoping to get their face on the nightly news, for stopping people from displaying their patriotic pride? The popular stance at the time seemed to forget that the flag was being hijacked and used to promote particular, racially-motivated agendas. The Cronulla riots, for example. Idiotic groups such as ‘Fuck off, we’re full’ were emerging, using the Australian flag as symbolic of their cause. I think this image, taken last year, embodies the age and intellect of such sentiments.

Suddenly, in 2010, bans on the flag are the way to go. I’ve just searched ‘Australia Day 2009 wearing flag as a cape’ and Google has vomited out numerous blogs proclaiming that the author will not be wearing the flag as a cape and/or cannot tolerate such behaviour as if we’re all in some undefined competition to be the best at being patriotic. Flags as capes are so 2006 and you are now a bigot, a racist and attempting to hijack celebrations. It is slightly mystifying as to why it is a cape-only vendetta. To be honest, drunks in flag board shorts, with a southern cross tattoo, no shirt and a watermelon helmet also require maligning.

But unlike years earlier, the banning is not ‘unAustralian’ (whatever that is) nor is it preventing people from displaying their patriotic pride. When did it all start to change? I suspect when the word ‘bogan’ started to be attached to the concept.

Back at The Boat, immediately upon walking into the establishment, I was met with an image on the wall of a cartoon depicting a well-endowed lass, bending over with two frosty jugs of beer in front of, well, hers. So it’s no to overt displays of racist nationalism but yes to boobs out. Just so we’re all clear.