Excitement
This morning I woke up with a feeling of excitement. I don’t know how. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular. But it was there and I knew why. Only three days left of work. I didn’t think I was really ‘excited’ about it. I was telling people I was and I was looking forward to it but I haven’t felt any physical reaction until today. Ironically, it makes work so much easier to handle and I start to wonder why I wanted to leave! Then I remember, the lack of work, the dullness of the work I did have, working in the human equivalent of stock yards, the lack of privacy, the lack of an in-depth conversation and lack of fresh air or a view of anything other than a calendar. Just the general feeling of wanting to set myself on fire every time I heard a long, rambling, nonsense conversation about nothing, with no content or have someone act with genuine enthusiastic surprise and delight that we’re heading to the toilets at the same time (usually so I can have some peace and quiet for two minutes).
I feel like I’ve been in a grey fog the last two years, stumbling through, trying to find where I’m meant to be. I don’t know if I’ve found it but feel I’m on the right track. I mentioned to my mentor today about the feeling when I woke up. She confirmed what I was thinking: I’ve made the right decision. I don’t think I could’ve survived much longer with the mental and creative suppression of a job that simply didn’t hold my interest. I wish Mr W&C would put aside his own feelings for a while and celebrate with me though. Won’t be holding my breath on that one.
I’m hoping that pays off and that being happier with myself will force me to get out and not turn into a hermit. That’s my one big fear. I know what I’m like and I hide away too much sometimes and it’s easier just to stay home, rather than make an effort to get out. That’s part of the challenge though. And every job has challenges or parts we don’t like or aren’t brilliant at but we learn. This is the first time that I’ve been excited about what I am going to, rather than what I’m leaving. That’s the biggest indication I was on the right track. That and the butterflies.
